Change in Weather

I usually wake up with the sun. Here that is nearly impossible. The sun hardly ever comes out, grey masses cover the rooftops of this city. Today it was pitch black outside my window when I decided to stumble down the stairs and put on the kettle for my cup of tea. Tomorrow is a big exam day, that’s okay. I am more prepared this time. My head is filled with worries of, once again, failing this exam. It is not really helping in being perfectly prepared, but I have to work with what I’ve got. I have millions of unhelpful thoughts trapped in my mind, I need to reset and start once again, more effectively.

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All we want these days is efficiency. That is what’s important but where do we learn to be efficient, how do we learn?
I Believe it all starts with discipline it is what we need to learn how to achieve society-set goals. Succeed at school, get good grades, have good organisation skills and do all of that with a big smile on your face! All these things that are so important in this western society and where does it start?I think the answer to that is social background. This is something from the middle ages but I think it still applies: An academics son learns how to be academic from his parents. A salesman would teach his children what he knows and so on… It is simply about how a child is educated. We are in this awkward situation where we have all these possibilities to be whatever we want to be, everybody can go to university everybody can study but… can they really? I am someone who never had to work to achieve goals, my parents were happy when I was and simply expected me to be an average student, which gave me a lot of freedom. I never thrived to be the best, I thrived to be my own person, grades and academic achievements had a low value for me. I was given the freedom of not being locked in by expectations that society had towards me.
Now however, being a Bachelor student I became a prisoner of my own freedom. In a generation where everybody wants to be different, everybody wants to be special and  no one wants to follow into anothers’ footsteps but if you don’t you fail. At one point we have to quit being rebels and find our way within the world built up by generations of people before us. We have to find a way to be the best version of ourself we can possibly be. Personally I am quite excited about discovering this part of me. Reading great works by people who are merely a memory of this world today.

The New Day

It has been just a second since my mind has changed. A little journey through our lives and it can quite simply be seen that our thoughts evolve around today. This is what everybody keeps telling me. Live in the now. I don’t want to. I like yesterday. Most of the time. Todays yesterday is a bit grimm but usually they are beautiful. Memories are so carefully kept in those special little places we least expect them. I found one underneath my pillow the other day, so beautifully and quiet hid a little dream that I had a long time ago…

Quite recently I realised how I was dragging my feet and dropping my shoulders while I walk. I don’t remember ever doing that, but I don’t remember not doing it either. It seemed like that would be the beginning of the end. But I decided that I still had time to turn it all around. Slowly and cautiously though because let’s face it I am me. Undisciplined, lazy me with the head in the clouds always thinking about how it would be to climb up tall stone walls or hike all the way around an ancient mountain and romantically dream of bonfires and fireflies. Somehow I had to start. Stop hiding, stop hanging my head. Stop giving reason to think this was all there was to me. Mostly I have to convince myself that I am more than I am showing now. It will get easier, they say. Writing was always one of my passions, a passion I was so afraid to pursue. Afraid to fail in. But I failed myself by not trying and now I want to start being true to myself. I will start the new day.